ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
