he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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