I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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