Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
