Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
it glows. i had to have it.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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