my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
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