i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
