im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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