These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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