Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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