I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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