Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Someone shattered a urinal.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
