Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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