worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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