You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
