I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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