Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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