I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
