I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
