The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He shit in the fireplace
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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