Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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