Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
