What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
