I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
