i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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