As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
