the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
