You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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