a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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