i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
