i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
