I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Mom said you looked used
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
