if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
