This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
