Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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