I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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