my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
