Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
