Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
