If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
