I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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