An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
