see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My brain says no but my pants say off.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
