Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
third nipple confirmed
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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