there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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