I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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