take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
