Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
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you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
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she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?