dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
