OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
