we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
