made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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