Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
So squirting runs in the family.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
