i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
