We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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