you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I just blew my weed a kiss
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
