I can't watch pbs sober anymore
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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